I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 3 and a half years. We started dating when he was 14 and I was 15, we barely knew each other and met through my sisters boyfriend who happened to be his best friend. I don't remember when things got so bad. The first huge fight I remember was our one year anniversary, when I bought him a hoodie that was too big for him and he got really mad and broke up with me. I don't think that was our first big fight, but it's definitely when things took a turn for the worse.
For the next year we seemed to be fighting every day over the silliest things. He was just always so mad at me and I never realized how abusive it really was until right after our second anniversary. I found out through the same mutual friend who had gotten us together, that he had cheated on me. I wasn't surprised and as stupid as this sounds, I wasn't going to leave him. The same day I found out, he picked up my phone to reply to a text for me, which wasn't uncommon for us to do, and read all the texts and knew that I knew. He walked away from me that day and didn't say a word to me again for a month.
After that I thought we were for sure over for good. I realized how fucked up our relationship had been and I was glad when I finally started to move on. But one day, I was talking to my mom and looked down to a text from him. He wanted to talk, not get back together, but talk. I agreed and he picked me up and drove me to the spot we used to take homecoming pictures at. We sat in his car and talked for what seemed like forever. He apologized, told me he wanted to be a better person, and that it was hard losing his best friend. That conversation was one of the hardest I ever had. His voice kept cracking and it broke my heart, but I didn't think I'd be hearing from him again. He kept texting me though. After he dropped me off he texted me and the conversation didn't end for weeks. It was clear he wanted to get back together and I wanted to too. He had promised to change and I stupidly believed him. He even wrote a letter to my parents, asking for their forgiveness. We had a conversation with my parents and they said that if we chose to get back together they would support us, so we did.
For the next couple months things were great. He really was this new person he had promised to be. We were happy. But the longer we were together, the more he went back to his old self. He would say really hurtful things and get mad at me for any reason he could. If things weren't exactly the way he wanted them to be he was mad. It was never just an argument that ended quickly. Every fight involved him saying things he shouldn't have and then ignoring me for hours or days. And somehow he always turned it around to make it look like I was wrong and it was all my fault.
Finally, after being back together for over a year, we got in our last fight. We didn't talk for the rest of that day and the next morning I texted him and said we needed to talk. I told him I didn't feel like he loved me anymore and he basically told me that I was too sensitive and needed to grow up and get over it because he was never going to change. I broke up with him.
For the next couple weeks I was severely depressed. I prayed every night that I would wake up and not be so sad. I had to take medication to sleep. I blocked everyone in his family and anyone else who posted pictures or tweets about him on social media. But as time went on I felt better. I started talking to this guy who made me really happy and I felt good with him. Right as I was starting to move on, he came back.
He told me he was depressed, he missed me, and he'd do anything to have me back. But now, he's away at college, and I told him that I would talk to him the next time he was home. He kept texting me though, finding any reason to start a conversation with me, and I stupidly kept replying. It's been a few weeks now and we text every day. I've still kept to my promise that nothing would happen until he came home, but I'm worried. I'm worried that I'm doing the wrong thing. That he's manipulating me and using me until he doesn't need me anymore and he'll drop me all over again. But at the same time, I've gotten so attached. I'm so used to talking to him again every day and I'm afraid to face how sad I'll be if we stop.
I told him that I wanted to be with him. But I don't know if I can. Nobody supports the idea, and I can't say that I blame them. But I just want it so bad. These last few weeks of talking to him have been great, I can see that he's trying to be better, but is that just so he can get me back? I wish I could read his mind to figure out what's really going on. What would you do if you were me? Any sane person would say to let him go and find someone better. But fuck I love him so much. It feels so right with him. Like I can be myself. But maybe that's because it's what I'm used to.
I'm in love with an emotionally abusive person and it sucks.
No comments:
Post a Comment