Have you ever wanted to be with someone so badly even though you shouldn't?

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 3 and a half years. We started dating when he was 14 and I was 15, we barely knew each other and met through my sisters boyfriend who happened to be his best friend. I don't remember when things got so bad. The first huge fight I remember was our one year anniversary, when I bought him a hoodie that was too big for him and he got really mad and broke up with me. I don't think that was our first big fight, but it's definitely when things took a turn for the worse.

For the next year we seemed to be fighting every day over the silliest things. He was just always so mad at me and I never realized how abusive it really was until right after our second anniversary. I found out through the same mutual friend who had gotten us together, that he had cheated on me. I wasn't surprised and as stupid as this sounds, I wasn't going to leave him. The same day I found out, he picked up my phone to reply to a text for me, which wasn't uncommon for us to do, and read all the texts and knew that I knew. He walked away from me that day and didn't say a word to me again for a month.

After that I thought we were for sure over for good. I realized how fucked up our relationship had been and I was glad when I finally started to move on. But one day, I was talking to my mom and looked down to a text from him. He wanted to talk, not get back together, but talk. I agreed and he picked me up and drove me to the spot we used to take homecoming pictures at. We sat in his car and talked for what seemed like forever. He apologized, told me he wanted to be a better person, and that it was hard losing his best friend. That conversation was one of the hardest I ever had. His voice kept cracking and it broke my heart, but I didn't think I'd be hearing from him again. He kept texting me though. After he dropped me off he texted me and the conversation didn't end for weeks. It was clear he wanted to get back together and I wanted to too. He had promised to change and I stupidly believed him. He even wrote a letter to my parents, asking for their forgiveness. We had a conversation with my parents and they said that if we chose to get back together they would support us, so we did.

For the next couple months things were great. He really was this new person he had promised to be. We were happy. But the longer we were together, the more he went back to his old self. He would say really hurtful things and get mad at me for any reason he could. If things weren't exactly the way he wanted them to be he was mad. It was never just an argument that ended quickly. Every fight involved him saying things he shouldn't have and then ignoring me for hours or days. And somehow he always turned it around to make it look like I was wrong and it was all my fault.

Finally, after being back together for over a year, we got in our last fight. We didn't talk for the rest of that day and the next morning I texted him and said we needed to talk. I told him I didn't feel like he loved me anymore and he basically told me that I was too sensitive and needed to grow up and get over it because he was never going to change. I broke up with him.

For the next couple weeks I was severely depressed. I prayed every night that I would wake up and not be so sad. I had to take medication to sleep. I blocked everyone in his family and anyone else who posted pictures or tweets about him on social media. But as time went on I felt better. I started talking to this guy who made me really happy and I felt good with him. Right as I was starting to move on, he came back.

He told me he was depressed, he missed me, and he'd do anything to have me back. But now, he's away at college, and I told him that I would talk to him the next time he was home. He kept texting me though, finding any reason to start a conversation with me, and I stupidly kept replying. It's been a few weeks now and we text every day. I've still kept to my promise that nothing would happen until he came home, but I'm worried. I'm worried that I'm doing the wrong thing. That he's manipulating me and using me until he doesn't need me anymore and he'll drop me all over again. But at the same time, I've gotten so attached. I'm so used to talking to him again every day and I'm afraid to face how sad I'll be if we stop.

I told him that I wanted to be with him. But I don't know if I can. Nobody supports the idea, and I can't say that I blame them. But I just want it so bad. These last few weeks of talking to him have been great, I can see that he's trying to be better, but is that just so he can get me back? I wish I could read his mind to figure out what's really going on. What would you do if you were me? Any sane person would say to let him go and find someone better. But fuck I love him so much. It feels so right with him. Like I can be myself. But maybe that's because it's what I'm used to.

I'm in love with an emotionally abusive person and it sucks.

I'm so fucking stressed.

This blog is shit. I don't even know why on earth I thought I could actually post every single day of the year. Out of my like 12 posts, 5 of them have 1 view, one of them has 16 views, and the rest have literally never even been read. But I don't fucking care.

I need a place to vent and since I'm always putting my life on the internet for literally nobody to view, I figured this was the best place to do it.

Jack and I broke up exactly a month ago. I broke up with him because he was a fucking shitty ass boyfriend. He was mean, he was emotionally abusive, he literally only cared about himself, he told me he loved me "sometimes" and told me that we got back together because he wanted someone to talk to and I was "easy". LITERALLY NOBODY IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD CONSIDER GOING BACK TO SOMEONE LIKE THAT SO WHY AM I?!

A couple weeks after we broke up he texted me to tell me that my twitter banner, which was a screenshotted tweet that said "One day when you're 35 you'll see the guy who broke your heart when you were 19 in the grocery store and laugh because he's bald", made him feel "personally attacked". I saw the tweet a couple days after I broke up with him and I laughed because he broke my heart at 19 so I saved it and made it my twitter banner. He literally felt attacked and thought I was saying he was going to be bald?? Anyway, since that text, we haven't stopped texting. It started when I explained that I didn't think he would be bald and for the next couple hours we played catch up on what we had been up to since our break up. After all, we agreed to keep it friendly, so this was just us, being friendly, right? Well, that conversation ended and I was like "eh, maybe I'll hear from him again in a couple months". I was wrong. He texted me the following day to tell me that his family was having a hard time finding someone to watch his dog while they took him to move into college (he wasn't asking me to watch the dog, he literally just texted me that to start a conversation). The next morning I got a text that said "leaving Manassas!", because he was on his way to college. And a couple days after that I got a picture with the caption "first day of classes!". Since that text, we haven't stopped talking.

I was fine with it, I liked getting to know what was going on in his life and I had missed him, so having him back, even as a friend, was nice. BUT THEN SOME SHIT WENT DOWN.

He texted me at like 2 am, after I went to bed one night, and said "I think I'm still in love with you.". I literally woke up a couple hours after he sent that text, rolled my eyes, said to myself "how the fuck did I know this was coming?", and went back to bed. The next morning I obviously had to say something, right? So I told him that when he comes home for fall break next month we would talk, and until then we were JUST FRIENDS.

Well I'm fucking dumb as fuck, so of course all the feelings for him that I thought I had gotten over came back and I found myself wanting to get back with him so badly. But I told him there had to be serious changes on his part because like I mentioned before, he was a shitty ass boyfriend. He did the whole "I'm a new person. I'm so lonely at college and all I want is you. I'm going to spend the rest of my life fighting for you if I have to. I swear it'll be different this time. I want a future not a fling" shit. However, we broke up for a month and a half last year because he fucking cheated on me and then he came back and said all that dumbass shit and I fell for it and took him back and look where that landed me!

So now I'm torn. Jack was my first love and the feelings I have for him are as strong as ever. I want a future with him. He treated me poorly but he has a personality that I'm in love with and if he could just learn to treat me right I feel like we could have the best fucking relationship ever. BUT, like I said, he's pulled this whole "I'm a new man" shit before and nothing changed so I'm having a really, really hard time trusting him. I'm sticking to the "we'll talk in person when you come home next month" plan, but a month is gonna come before I know it and I don't know what I'm gonna do when it does.

I feel like any normal person would be like "ha sorry no you piece of shit go fuck yourself bye", but for some reason I cannot imagine being with anyone else and I want this so badly.

I literally feel so stupid. Like if we get back together for a second time I'm gonna look so fucking dumb because we broke up for legit reasons both times and they were both due to how fucking awful he treated me. And what if it still didn't work and we broke up again? Then I'd really look dumb.

And since we've been talking nonstop for the last couple weeks and all my feelings have come back, I know that if we stop talking or decide not to get back together I'm going to have to go through that heart break all over again and I really just don't want to.

If anyone was actually reading this they'd tell me to block him on everything and never look back but I just want to believe it would work so badly :(((((

I'm so stressed out. I need a sign from God telling me exactly what to do. Like if right now I just heard God's voice telling me what to do I'd feel so much better, I'd also be terrified, but at least I'd know what to do.

Why can't humans just be like other animals and not experience love? Life would be so much easier.